Zombie Interlude (and other menaces)

It what appears to be re-occurring theme of this blog it’s more zombies today in a slightly whimsical interlude. Unintentional, but I obviously have zombies on the brain.  Brains! Grrr. Argghh!

In the wake of the shocking news that Leicester City Council is horribly unprepared for the forthcoming zombie apocalypse, back in Bristol we can sit back in our top of the range survival shelters knowing that the mighty and wonderful Bristol City Council have their fingers on the pulse (or lack of it). Their wide ranging contingency plans include alert status on ambient zombie levels and useful tips for staff that include remembering to “fully disconnect the brain-stem from the body through either blunt force or full head removal.”

A friend of mine had understandable concerns upon closer study of the leaked formerly top secret document, which also covers the partial exemption and accreditation of the more versatile Council staff in the training to handle pirate outbreaks and for spotting the difference between genuine hot air balloons and evil, giant, floaty space aliens.

She correctly points out the guidelines don’t mention if the pirates would be old school pirates, Hollywood pirates or Somali pirates.  Is this connected to why a trained and accredited zombie situation handler would only be considered partially cross-accredited to deal with a pirate outbreak? Does it depend on the respiration status of the pirate?

However, I can exclusively reveal that sources close to the Council have assured me that the so called Zombie Pirates Menace is a well known cross pollination of recognised threat types and are fully confident that the Council have this scourge well covered (possibly with a rusty boarding pike and swivel gun?) as part of their existing worst case scenarios.

While the ravages associated with the more standard pirate tropes are harder to combat, lacking as they do a number of post-mortis vulnerabilities, we can be thankfully a world wide shortages in parrots and pieces of eight (due to tighter trafficking legislation and growing levels of Chinese consumption) means that they tend to be limited to specific Bristolian environs like King Street and thus can be avoided with care (until we go on holiday or emigrate).

I just fear the inevitable crossbreeding of ninjas & pirates, and this fateful day is coming my friends, for then the civilisation as we know it will crumble and be scattered as dust to the four winds. Though, for record, I welcome our new ninja pirate overlords and their reign of tyrannical enlightenment.

~ by Jack on July 8, 2011.

One Response to “Zombie Interlude (and other menaces)”

  1. I fear bath council isn’t anywhere as prepared.

    (BTW you should credit image sources really)

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